Once again I get up from bed to blog my heart at ease, though I know there will be little sleep tonight.
I’m eating dinner with my brother and my mum. The phone rings, sounding distant, as it does when it’s only your imagination. I get up and walk to the hallway, pick the phone up from the pocket of my coat. It stops ringing. It rings again and I pick it up quickly, glimpsing the callers address on the display, someone I used to know but lost contact with. As I put the phone to my ear a feeling of horror washed over me, or what I like to think of as the Heep feeling, and it stayed. There was a sound like if something exploded, (the house?), and the call was disconnected. I run back to the kitchen and sit down, crying about what happened. Was some evil monster calling from their home just to let me know that they’re dead? Was they calling to warn me about something? Or maybe calling me made their home explode?
Normally when one wakes up from a bad dream, one can smile and go back to sleep, knowing it was just a dream. This sort of thing is different, though I do not know what it is. It seems to me as if beings from hell has put a curse on me. I wonder whether I am insane, or if this is a normal phenomena which I’ve just failed to have heard of. I get this feeling sometimes, just about enough times now for me to lose count. I know that there has to be loads and loads of other people who’s had this feeling. I bet there are big fat psychology books named after this feeling. However, do not know what it is called, if it has a name. I, as mentioned, call it the Heep feeling.
The Heep feeling. Hard to explain. A feeling of a sinking stomach, sinking hope. And it feels as if the invisible shield that repels evil has sinked too, maybe into your stomach. Everything around you can look like creatures from hell, even if it’s bright daylight. There are people in the room with you. You know there’s something under your bed, something behind you and something peeking through the keyhole. Mirrors are possible portals to hell, whatever you do, do not look at them when you’ve got this feeling. When you close your eyes or blink you may see flashes of horrible images. If it gets really bad, you may even find yourself paralyzed. Unable to move anything except for your eyes.
I find the best thing to do when paralyzed is to concentrate hard on a word or a small phrase, (like a mantra,) and try to say it. It slowly becomes a whisper, and as you get the volume up, you will start feeling your body. Keep trying to raise your voice and move your body until you can get up. The horrors might have disappeared by then, but they’ll be back.
Once I woke up paralyzed, there was a man standing by my bed, looking at me. A very short man with a green cloak that hid his face. I concentrated on a mantra, and he disappeared as I gained control over my body.
Another time there was a white alien standing over me. It strangled me with a big white hand, but he too disappeared as I came out of my paralyzed state. I didn’t use a mantra back then though, I just gained control as I struggled for air.
Right now there’s a small picture on the opposed wall of me holding my old cat, both young and happy. Now I am sure it shows death holding him. It is clear. What a sick sick mind I have. How twisted the world can become through eyes like mine.
But though this is fascinating, I should stop stirring at that photo of death before I go insane, (or more insane as it might be.) The best thing I can do now is to play some DS until the feeling has vanished. I actually feel quite ok already, though death’s still on the picture. I guess it’s one of those things that once you’ve noticed it you will always see it. If it becomes a problem I’ll just have to take down the picture.